If You Roll Like I Roll

I used to have a real issue with impostor syndrome. Everytime I crossed another academic hurdle, I'd tell myself it was luck--that somehow someone didn't dot their i's, and now I've slipped through to the next phase.

At 10:00 am this morning, I had to present my dissertation research to the public. Basically, posters were made to "advertise" my topic, and people were instructed to show up and grill me including, but not limited to, my dissertation committee members. Save for a few scary questions from highly-intelligent people that I thoroughly respect, I think the 1 1/2 hour process was not as terrifying as I had initially anticipated.

Afterwards--during the still moments alone in the hallway while my committee deliberated--I could only breathe in and out with hope that my veil of confidence and my pretend pretension earned me a golden ticket.

Even after the hand shakes, the accolades, and the smiles, I could only keep thinking that there was a catch. Now that I know I've passed this hurdle, and there are many more to come, I can only make a promise to myself: Never again will I let myself believe that luck took me this far. I am not an impostor.

Warren G's "Regulate" just cued up on my iPod. I think I'll bounce to some old school gangsta rap alone in my office. I have to teach in an hour, and I know that I'll be utterly worthless for the rest of the day.